I’ve written many posts in the past week. I wanted to clarify that I do not blame my family or the kids in Jr High for who I am today. In truth, every experience we live through, helps us become the person we are at this moment. . .
I mentioned breaking at a social gathering, when my mom said/did something while she had “one” to many to drink. It was the turning point in my life. I had felt something wasn’t right, but could never put my finger on it. Simply put, I was part of a cycle of addiction that permeated my entire family. I mentioned the incident, because it saved my life. I had to find a way to look into the mirror, and find something I liked about myself or die. I could not continue on the path of self-destruction that I was bound to. I had to change or die. I am very grateful that my mom did what she did. . .
For the record, I loved my mom very much. She died in 1998, and this is the first time that I have been able to write about my life. She and I didn’t see eye to eye on most things. She had a rough childhood with alcoholic parents, and tried to raise me and my siblings in a better environment. All I have written here is my memories and traumas. I do not think she was a bad person, just someone who had overwhelming challenges in her life. It should be noted that she and I came to an understanding before she died, and I still light a white candle for her on the anniversary of her death. I miss her a lot. . .
Also, these words have been writing themselves in my head for 20 years or more. It felt like it was time to open up to the world, and let other people in. I had been afraid that I would “hurt” someone if I spoke my truth, and chose to harbor it. It has cost me in all aspects in my life. Fear blocks the flow of abundance in life. It prevents people from truly being part of life. If we hang on to fear, we separate ourselves from other people, and feel alone (isolated). I was tired of feeling like an outsider with secrets I could not speak about. . .
I do not consider myself a victim of my past. I see myself as a survivor, that has much to learn. I am writing these words, without tears or painful recollections. I am to a point where if feels like a relief to have survived all that “stuff”, and come out the other side relatively intact. Yes, I have been cut and bruised. Yes, there have been moments where I didn’t think that I could go on. Yes, sometimes I still have flash-backs. . .not only to my childhood, but to things I did while I had too much to drink. We all have our short-comings. . .
With the cycle of healing, I have come around to the point of letting go of ALL the past. I had a good friend tell me that I didn’t own the past, so let go of it. So, I started this process of letting it go in the mid-1990s, and have finally come full circle. It’s the first time in my life, I have not felt afraid to speak my thoughts. I chose to blog my memories, because they might help someone else with their struggles. One of the first things I learned in my recovery is that we are not alone. There are many people on the path to themselves, and others searching for the answer to what is “wrong” in their lives. The words of others going through the process can help those who are searching. . .
I do apologize if this sounds defensive. I do intend to continue writing about these issues, and others. Until next time. . .
Love & Light to All. . .Karen