So, music is one of my biggest healing tools. The lyrics are able to reach through the darkest moments in my life, and shed some light for me to follow. It was something in my youth that my parents didn’t take away from me. I spent hours listening to music in my room, trying to be invisible to the rest of the family. It was easier to survive that way. It was quieter in my head, and less confusing in my mind. The music allowed me to focus on something other than what was happening around me. Simply put, my escape. . .
It has followed me into adulthood, and help through several difficult or traumatic events, such as a violent marriage, homelessness, my mother’s death and finding my voice again. . .
But how do you forgive all the wrongs? It’s not a simple process, yet it is. It’s defining your personal boundaries. Where does one start and end? And, listening to your inner guiding voice.
First acknowledge that “something” happened. For me, it was indicated by fear, terror and anxiety. I could walk down the street, see someone (who I didn’t know), and feel terrified. They would trigger something in myself, an unconscious memory, and I would be afraid for my life. In many ways, it was very debilitating. From the outside, I looked like a normal person with a lot of talents, and doing well in the world. When I acknowledged “something” had happened in my life, I felt both relief and fear. That is why I felt so lost for three months, until I got into some counseling.
Second is to face the “something”, and know that is only a past memory. It is not bigger than you! It is part of the past, and haunts you. For me, I reclaimed my inner child. I told the councilor that I would not do any form of drug therapy, and I knew that it was me who had to do the work for my changes. I didn’t need another “crutch” to lean on to get me through a difficult time. I had to face myself, look into the mirror and see me for me. Not a damaged piece of goods, but a growing and learning human being worthy of compassion and love.
Third look at the situations, and accept that it takes two to make a scenario. The other person(s) had to participate in the exchange for it to have happened. Forgiveness starts with yourself. Forgive yourself. . .then, apologize to the other party (if it is appropriate). . . . An apology is not something that needs to be done to the face of the other person. It can be done on paper, in your heart or screamed out on a beach. It’s a process that works for the individual, and there is no right or wrong way.
Last, define you own personal boundaries. Boundaries are invisible lines that surround every person on the planet. This is the most important part of change and recovery. People with addictions do not understand boundaries, and cross over into others personal space. The world revolves around the person with the problem. Personal boundaries are not rigid. They are flexible, and not a single layer. One way of looking at them is that there are different boundaries for different people. People close to us, who respect us, who love us unconditionally are those allowed closest to our core. People who have abused our trust are further out from our core. We have learned that they cannot be trusted. They will lash out, and try to take from us. . .
Forgiveness does not me forgetting! Never forget what happend, but always forgive the person who made it happen. I forgive knowing that the other person has not grown past their transgressions. They are hurting, angry or lost, BUT they do not need to involve me in their personal choices. I can be friends with them, without being part of their problems. That comes down to knowing myself, and having boundries. . .
I’ll write more later. . .
Love & Light to All. . .Karen