I started with a note taped to my bathroom mirror, that I forced myself to read every day. It said, “I like myself.” It took a long time, before the message took hold in my sub-conscious mind. It was hard at first, and I didn’t believe a word of it. I started this over 20 years ago. I had a traumatic event happen while I was in college, and I knew that I needed to change. I didn’t know what was wrong. . .just that something wasn’t right. I didn’t have any role models of a healthy individual. Everywhere I looked, I saw people like I grew up with (like the kids in Jr High). . .and that wasn’t encouraging. . .
I came to the end of my rope, so to speak, and found a song to hang on to and had a life-changing dream. It was “Allies” by Heart. The words gave me hope in a very dark world. I would listen to it over and over again, allowing the words to crack my old sub-conscious messages. I came to a point where I realized that I wasn’t alone in the world, and there was a purpose for me to be here. Also, I had a dream that helped me. I was being chased by an evil man with a vicious dog. I was running for my life. I ended up in an ally with no way out. The dog had me cornered, and the man was laughing. Another man came out of nowhere, touched the dog and it became a sweet puppy. The evil man left. The other man said, “I am God.” I’ve had faith ever since, and on the darkest days I remember the dream. I am so grateful that I found my way through the darkness.
The point that “tipped the scale” happened in 1989. I’ll never forget it. My mother was drunk, and said something to me at a social event. I broke! The underlying issue became crystal clear. I was from a family of people addicted to “something,” and there was a white elephant in the middle of the living room. No one would speak of the issue(s). We were going in circles, trying not to “hurt” anyone else, while we were wrapped up in our own addictions. People outside the family thought everything was normal. From inside, we were part of the “living” dead, and pretending to be normal. The family structure was built on addiction and enabling the addict.
I quite alcohol cold turkey. I refused to do it anymore. I could not continue participating in the cycle of addiction. I was very lost for three months, then went into individual counseling. I worked on recovering my inner child, confronting the people in my family through role-playing, and putting my life together. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start. Just know, I became the outsider in my family the day I chose to heal. I’m not like them anymore, and I was not supported by them through my personal changes. To be honest, there was a constant pull on me to not change. The issue is simply when one changes, everyone who knows them has to change or get left behind. . .
It takes courage to change and grow. . .
Love & Light to All. . .Karen