My last post was about trying to be invisible. I think I’ve spent most of my life afraid to be successful, because I would be visible to other people. One cannot successfully run a business or network in the world, without being visible to others, and possibly in the spotlight. I think the thing I learned from all the pain of the past is to focus on what “feels” right in my life, and with my decisions. I don’t think I would have understood the power of words as well, if I had not been on the receiving end of some painful and cutting comments. I learned to think about the meaning of my words, before I deliver them in a conversation.
I think I gained a perspective of self through all of this emotional upheaval of my youth. I chose to share the memories, because many people have a difficult time expressing their pain. It’s easier to hold onto the issues, pain and fear. I think it is because we are afraid to be judged or ridiculed again. I decided a long time ago that I would not be controlled by these issues. I knew that they would arise from time to time. As humans, we tend to store these traumatic events in our bodies, and it comes out in the physical pain we feel. It takes time to heal, and release the memories (and energy). The hardest part is to forgive “them” and yourself. As children, we view it as something we did to make “them” act the way they did. . .it was our fault. BUT, weren’t they the adult? Or, someone outside our family? Or. . .
The pain today was triggered by memories. They flash through my mind after all these years, and I feel sad or hurt. I think that is normal. I believe that it is one step closer to being a whole, healthy functioning human being. My goal is to overcome my past, and create a life that I want. . .not what I was told I was supposed to be. So. . .
Though being a photographic artist, I have had to learn that other people’s opinions are just that. . .their opinions. My value does not come from their words, actions or opinions. It took me a long time to separate my “self” from others. When one is in the public eye (such as art shows, publishers, clients), it is important to know where your boundaries start and end. I teach workshops, and again step into the spotlight. People look to me for knowledge, and to deliver the information in an appropriate way. It comes down to being aware of self, and maintaining a balance lifestyle.
At this point in my life, I LOVE LIFE! I love what I do, and the people I meet. I love the quiet time I find, to keep myself in balance. I love the little family I have with my husband and son. I have wonderful friends, who have become family. Life is GOOD, and very worth all the pain that I’ve been through. I’ve been working on my healing for over 20 years. Sometimes, it is easier than others. I’ve learned that happiness is a choice, just like sadness and depression. I get up in the morning, and choose to be in life. Sometimes, I am in sweats until dinner. Am I depressed? No, I spent the day editing photographs, putting together packages for retailers, completed orders, answered/sent emails and more.
I’ve created a lifestyle. . .
Love & Light to All. . .Karen